Martin Time - a Satire on religious
by John Miller
“No one has ever missed some form of persecution. If they had missed it, they were already dead.” the Ancient One.
Luther Martin got credit for giving Pope Leo X, affectionately known as Leo Zero, a headache when he accused the church of double heresy. Then he insulted his Holiness by starting another branch of Christian Religion (Martinism). Before Martin, the only religion in town had been the Church. Nevertheless, too made things worst, Martin left his footprint on religion when he translated the Greek New Testament into German. To addfurther misery for unhappy Leo Zero his Bible fell off the best-seller list.
Luther Martin, born –November 18, 1480, died February 18, 1540 (60years). A Christian theologian and Augustinian monk, son of Hans and Margaretha Martin, born on St. Martin of Tours feast day in Eisleben, Germany and baptized the following day. His family owned a copper mine and was able to send him to fine schools to study law. However, Luther did not want this type of argument, and providence intervened.
One day while walking to school, he got into a fight with a Lighting Bolt. That is when Luther became a member of St. Paul’s club as a lighting bolt recipient. Like Paul, the lighting bolt knocked him off his feet. It scared him so bad he screamed, “Holly Mosses! Help! St. Anne Save me, I’ll become a monk.”However, there is nothing like a Lighting Bolt to change one’s attitude and color. After that hint, it was promises and more promises, but he regretted them all later. Still, he gave up his testacies for an Invisible Ghost. Later, he got them back when he married a nun, Katharina von Bora. This became a classic guide for clerical marriages. That just goes to show you, Luther was just like everyone else. He liked his beer, spoke very blunt, used fowl language, and helped start a new something, called The Reformation.
Nevertheless, Luther had a problem. If he had been a politician, he would have flopped. From behind the safety of the pulpit, he barked away at the Jewish people saying they were all vipers and sons of the devil. After that, he couldn’t win a Jewish popularity contest if he tried. Pity, some said he never did get his head on straight.
The Beginning of Exposure
Once Upon a Time, in the year 1517, in a far-off Place that was a Confederation that was not a County. In this Place, made up of Cantons instead of States, and unfortunately not United, something new and welcomed happened. Since this Place not united, in order to survive in war, they become neutral. At first, this Place consisted of only three Cantons, but later became twenty-six. One of these Canton, Brenodor, gifted with green valleys, tall mountains, cold clear streams, long Alphorns (24 feet), and the home of snow-white goats in the Valley of Sannen
Not to far away, lived an enlighten monk that had become upset, Luther Martin, a teacher at the University Church. Luther’s conscious was upset. A deep thinker, Luther, had developed his own new Bag of Religion. Some said, “From a morning after headache, maybe from drinking to much green beer the night before.”However, this was not true! It was his conscious that was unhappy with the teaching of Life’s Management 101 taught at the Universal Church. From what he was hearing, “These confused monks had it all wrong about Life’s Management 101; in their teaching is too much Monkey Talk and Monkey Thinking. They are guilty of teaching the Pope Leo Zero’s (a temporary position) confusing lessons and beliefs in ancient tongues, Latin. And they are not alone, those everywhere are guilty of being out of step with basic life practices and are feeding their souls with garbage and poor advice,” that is, according to his Bag of Religion.
Luther was proudof his new Bag of Religion and the Villagers of Brenodor called it Martin’s Thing. When they heard Luther preach, they knew time had come to Martin’s Things and it became Martin Time.
Everyone down in the village were saying, “Martin Time is a brand new something that will bring us a new world,” so they thought.
Later on, and not to far off, other confused monks would come to look inside Martin’s Bag of Religion. Some would even call Martin Time a form of Monkey Time.
Luther liked to go down to the public square to gossip and listen to the villager’s talk and study their dialect. Some of the villagers from time to time would ask, “Luther Martin, why do you listen to our talk? Are you writing a book?”
Without hesitation, he answered, “Yes!”
Luther Martin was one hell of a writer, and could even write songs. His favorite subject in writings were e-mails send to the present Pope, Leo Zero (temporary position) that were actually, inept report cards. Luther had a real talent for making Leo Zero take to his bed with the miseries, and made it difficult in counting his beads.
In this Place, this new something wentfrom Martin Time to be known as, The Reformation, a prep course for Martin Time and other religious viewpoints. This Reformation will change some of Europe for the good and some for the bad. However, basic Martin Time will change the world.
Nevertheless, eager to start a religious fight to prove he was right and Leo Zero wrong. Luther was not anybody’s fool. Luther had spent a lot of time on getting the real skinny on Leo Zero’s teachings and it looked bad. However, Tell-All Luther needed to get the worlds attention and he knew how, with a borrowed hammer and nails (monks don’t own anything). However, where could he post his report card emails about Leo Zero’s ineptness, that is, according to his Martin Time? He did not want to post them on the downtown bulletin board. Leo Zero never reads the downtown bulletin board.
Then a thought fell from above, Flash! Of course, nail them on Leo Zero’s University Church’s front door in Wittenberg, perfect. Bang! Bang! Bang! On that famous Halloween night, on October 31, 1517, Tell-All Luther nailed 96 report card e-mails on Leo’s front door. They exposed and explained the University’s poor inept performances, teaching about Life and Death. They disclosed those silly teachings, laws, and money donations, do right, do right commands, don’t smile on Wednesdays, and especially, those terrible Indulgences. Unfortunately, Martin was naive enough to think by telling the truth, all would go away. It didn’t!
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According to Martin Time, Leo Zero’s Church and his monkey talking Choir Boys had failed that Carpenter’s Course 101 in Live and Let Live. Little did anyone know that Leo Zero’s Wittenberg University front door would become famous? Some say, the borrowed hammer heard around the world that did it. Nevertheless, poor beer drinking Luther became a Born Again Hamming Luther, forever.
That Roman Pope, Leo Zero’s emails reported they were guilty of Something Old that some people might call, Bean Counting Religion. What a bomb! Those Tell-All report cards set Leo Zero’s hair on fire His associates in learning, his Choirs Boys, didn’t fair any better, and some left the fold, confused, without pity, but strangely relieved. Others had begun to ask questions. However, it also did a lot for the villagers. It took Leo Zero’s thumbs out of their eyes. Now they could see for the first time, in fact, after about 200 hundred years.
The University Churchhad made a law that said you had to go to their Church, the only one in town. In addition, when they called the roll in Church, you had better be sitting there. If not, they send the residential Goons (the Taufer-Kammers) to your house to fetch you’uns. If that did not work, it was a job for the dedicated trackers, (Taufer-Jager). Another thing that was a sticky wicket and not exactly fair, bless their hearts, they only gave new Moms and Dads two weeks, three at the most, to have their young’ens baptized.
In addition, Water of that time may have been expense; Mom and Dad had to pay a handing and dipping tax that went to the Church along with membership taxes! However, Hammering Luther did not stop with just Leo Zero’s e-mail inept report cards. He really got on that Leo’s case hard about how you get to heaven, when, where, and who had permission to pray. Pope Leo Zero claimed he had a direct line to the Invisible Ghost’s hideout. Luther changed that when he gave everyone Martin Time’s toll number.
Thinks began to heat up when Fat Ben the Ink Man came to town with his printing press. Immediately, Leo Zero and his Choir Boys put in their order for a new form of fraud, called Indulgences. Wow, this was the best so far; they claimed free passes to anything and everything, but not exactly free. Indulgences were expensive deluxe paper licenses issued by the Church, for money. To cap them off for validation, a departed Appointed Saint kissed them with a bucket of tears, called Holy Water.
Especially upsetting to Luther was one of the monks, Father Samson, an amateur Indulgence Carriers. He would travel with Special Ordered Indulgences andcosting more for the Church Flock’s buried relatives with simple instruction. “Jest pucker up your lips, and blow your departed love ones a First Class Ticket to Heaven.
They were not exactly pornographic material, but you could get an Indulgence to see a Nurse Prostitute for your health, a popular Indulgence with both sexes. However, these were almost close to being obscene according to Martin Time, that is, almost. Still, these little free paper licenses had a going price plus a lay-a-way plan that varied for how far you wanted to leap or fall, sin or act bad, for a better word, act ugly. They read: To the bearer: For an agreed upon sum of money, the Church will issue a certified paper license that give the bearer the pleasure to seek out and find anything you wanted to do or try, including someone demise, short of murder, one free anything.
In addition, the villager’s had gone crazy and bought them like there wouldn’t be anymore tomorrow! The Church was making big money. You bet your life they had a special Mass for that moneymaking printing press blessed with Holy Water every morning.
However, things began to change for Luther, after his Nail Time. Sadly, life became Run Time for Luther. Thank goodness, he had fast feet. Leo Zero’s Choirs Boys were after his hide with barbecue on their minds! Luther’s e-mails had turned the world downside up, for a change!
Nevertheless, on his way out of town Luther of Martin Time took time to hire Fat Ben the Ink Man. He made a deal to print something he had been working on, his very own Bible, in German, his native language. Before that, the Choirs Boy’s Bibles written only in Latin. Going to Church was a Guessing Game if you didn’t read or understand Latin. What a racket! Mass was just one big mystery of Ancient Tongues. Even the rest rooms were in Latin. No wonder Hamming Luther threw a fit! I would have too!
In addition, would you believe those poor souls without money had to go to the back of the line? Hammer Luther simple message had told Leo Zero and his Choir Boys they couldn’t give their flock a free ride of sin with a peace of paper. However, could they?
This future defrocked monk, L. Martin, had stirred up a hornets nest and caused quite a stink, those Indulgence Licenses really stunk. Thank goodness, he wasn’t the only Fire Brand Monk around. There were other Religious Stinkers waiting in line. Every time one of his teammates stirred up a similar stinking situation, things got even more stinking. All that stinking started one hell of a fight. A new time when swapping sides was an everyday occurrence. Out of all this, it gave birth to the Closet Believers. They are still alive today, “I won’t tell on you if you don’t tell on me.”
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John W. Miller was raised in Tennessee near “North Hell’s Kitchen.” Served in the U.S. Marine Corps as Staff Sergeant and later as Lieut. Colonel in the National Guard. He graduated from the University Of Tennessee School Of Dentistry. In addition to General Dentistry, he became a Professional Custom Golf Club maker. He makes his home in Nashville, Tennessee with his wife, Joan Seigenthaler-Miller. He enjoys writing fiction novels and short stories with the dialogue written in a soft mountain dialect. His first novel, The "Curse of Satan’s Collar", was published in 2008. The novel spans the period from the 1770s through the 1920s. There is some historical fact, some fiction, and a whole lot of embellishment, which is just part of mountain stories. |
John Miller Thanks John for this heart filled story... John Wolf
